Bad Cop/Good Cop
I've noticed that as my wife and I interact with the kids, we tend to complement each other in the following manner: when one of us takes an active role, the other becomes more passive ... and vice versa. And the strange thing is that when one of us reverses roles, the other one follows suit. It's like the universe requires that we polarize. Have you encountered that in your counseling?
As a world-renown psychotherapist, I have indeed encountered this. As a matter of fact, I wrote a series of articles on the subject, breaking new ground and earning my second Grawemeyer award in the process. To summarize:
The behavior you've described is referred to as the "Bad Cop/Good Cop" Phena -- the structured collection of phenomena that explains the balanced disciplinary instincts of parents and superordinates (bosses, colloquially) when executed in tandem. The signature derivative (or "Alpha") of the BC/GC Phena is of course the Bad Cop/Good Cop method, whereby one parent (for the sake of argument) takes an active role (BC) as he/she relates to the child, prompting the other parent to take a more passive role (GC). This allows the child freedom to "choose" which parent he/she can confide in, although it's really no choice at all. The child will always seek consolation with the more sympathetic parent, allowing the chastisement of the more active parent to go un-challenged, thereby allowing the child to passively process and accept the harsh ridicule. It's pure survival instinct, really. Nothing more. So that's basically the meat of the first six articles -- on to the seventh...
The second method (not counting the inverted Alpha) is known as Good Cop/No Cop, defined thusly: Parent A legitimately inverts the process by initiating with warmth and understanding (GC), but then Parent B loses his/her nerve and retreats (NC), leaving Parent A with the unsavory dilemma of whether to perform both roles (an almost impossible task), or abandon the script and chase down Parent B. Either way, the result is somewhat less functional than the Alpha, but still has some effectiveness if carried out to its conclusion. And since I'm running out of room, I'll skip to article #26...
Worse than the Bad Cop/Bad Cop method is Bad Cop/Dirty Cop. This is where the Alpha method is initiated (Parent A/Active Role) to a point, but breaks down because Parent B is taking money and/or cocaine from criminals without reporting the transaction. This is a very dysfunctional situation for the child, but not as dysfunctional as...
Bad Cop/Bad Commissioner: This is the most devastating of the Phena. This is where the Alpha is initiated, but Parent B starts criticizing Parent A for their incompetence, ignorance, or general meanness. In the process, Parent B upsets the whole dynamic by establishing himself/herself as the superordinate, Parent A as the subordinate, and the child as irrelevant. Parent A is consumed with Parent B's behavior and the child is left to define his/her own shortcomings, which now include causing discord between his/her two favorite people. This method will always resort in one cop being transferred to a different precinct, prompting 2 other cops to enter the scene and engage in relations with the first 2 cops. Not a pretty picture...
1 Comments:
Bad Cop/Bad commissioner, I love it.
In the end, it's the child's(criminal) fault for instigating the melee.
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