General Bad Behavior
A couple weeks ago, my wife sent the kids to bed early for breaking a lamp during a friendly game of indoor soccer. Let me tell you, that was the best move ever. My wife & I got some much-needed alone time, and it turned into an evening of re-connection and romance. A couple of nights later, a little light went on for me, and I sent the kids to bed early again. Same thing the next night. And the next night... Last night, we held a family meeting in which I declared that due to their general bad behavior, the kids would be going to bed at 7:00 pm for the forseeable future, subject to change at the sole discretion of the parental units. That leaves time for 20 minutes of play, 2 hours of homework, and a family dinner after school.
Even though my wife & I have set 3 new records for post-honeymoon intimacy in the past 2 weeks*, my wife is expressing some concerns about the kids' quality of life. What do you think?
* most in a 13-day time period (6); most in a 10-day time period (5); most times on the living room couch (1)
I think those are some formidable records. More importantly, I don't see anything un-healthy with robbing your kids of a little post-dinner playtime. The truth is I'm kind of jealous. Since my wife, Julia, and I don't get along very well, I'll often try to keep the kids awake as long as possible in order to avoid coming in contact with the little lady. I often have to institute house rules like "First one to doze off loses a battleship" or "Last person awake gets to kick their brother/sister in the stomach". Pretty effective.
Losing Sleep
My wife always makes me lock all the doors and windows at night, for fear that someone will break in and rape her. That's not so bad, but on occasion she'll wake me up at 1:00 a.m. and ask what that sound was and if everything's locked. And if I'm not on the top of my game, I'll tell her I don't remember and then I'm heading downstairs in my shorts with a plastic ninja sword. The kicker is that no one's going to touch her once they see her, um, eveningwear and no makeup. What do I do to stop the vicious cycle?
You could tell her she's not rape-worthy. That would end one vicious cycle, but might start another. I would give her my
Top 5 Things Worth Losing Sleep Over (in no particular order):
1. Someone breaking into the house and stealing the big screen TV.
2. Someone breaking into the house and stealing the refridgerator (including all the milk).
3. Wondering if you remembered to shut the car windows now that it's thunderstorming.
4. Wondering if your Christmas Tree lights are going to cause your house to go up in flames.
5. Wondering if the peeps from What Not To Wear are going to show up at work tomorrow.
Dandelions
Well, it's officially lawn-mowing season, and I found myself wondering how dandelions are created. I know how they re-populate, but how are they created? I mean, if everyone treated their lawn with chemicals to prevent dandelions, and we all did it at the same time, would we be able to eliminate dandelions once and for all?
How would I know? Ask Doug Hall from American Inventor. I think he spent a whole summer as a dandelion in 1995.
The Janitor
I was at school today and mentioned it to some adults that Miss Stephens was picking on me. So I gave it right back to her, cause that ain't right. Well, then the janitor says not to be insulting his wife. I'm like "Your wife?" Well she was picking on me in class and what am I supposed to do, sit there and take it? No way, I stood up and told her how ugly she was. Then she said to sit my ass down and quit causing trouble for the 800th time. 800? I said. Isn't that how much you weigh? "You better not talk about my wife" says the janitor. "I'm gonna beat up your husband." I told him I'm in 8th grade! I don't have no husband. He says "Well, when you get a husband, I'm gonna beat him up." Whatever.
That's messed up.
Last Night's Dream
Even though I'm some 15 years removed from any kind of schooling, I still find myself dreaming about going to class, taking exams, missing exams, etc. Last night's dream was pretty typical -- I was on my way to some nebulous class on some nondescript campus, when I realized I was barefoot and didn't have my books. So I started walking back to my dorm, and then a woman flashed me, and then I noticed my car was parked on the side of the road, but I didn't have my keys with me, so I still had to walk all the way back. I woke up before I got to my dorm. What's it all mean?
I wish I knew. I had that exact dream a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately for both of us, I missed most of the class that dealt with that in college due to some rough times surrounding an internship I was doing at a massage therapy center. My guess is that it means something significant and possibly life-altering, I just don't know what. Let me know if you find out.
All Well And Good
My "friend" has a "car" she's trying to "sell". A few days ago, someone "looked at it" and told her he "liked it" and would call her. Well, that's all well and good, but what is she supposed to do in the meantime? She would really like to call him, but isn't sure if that's the best course of action. What do you think?
First of all, I'm sure the prospective buyer will call, since he said he would. It's just a matter of time... But if she simply can't wait, your friend should take out some more ads and maybe think about ebay if she has an account. Lasly, it wouldn't make any sense for her to call him. I don't know how she would even get his number.
Tax Refund
I just got my income tax refund. Should I spend it on
this or
this?
** This **
Simonizing
I just realized that Simon Cowell from American Idol owns the mall up the street. And a bunch of other malls too! You know, Simon Properties? That's crazy!
Crazy, indeed. Don't forget that he also invented the Simonizing process. Whenever I drive my shiny car to the mall, then insult a few shoppers, I can't help but think how empty my life would be without Mr. Cowell.
Unanimity
"I'm hideous. Look at me."
"I think you look great."
"Are you blind? How can you even say that with a straight face?"
After several years of performing this dialog flawlessly with my wife, I finally changed it up. Last week, it went like this:
"I give up. Why do I even try? I'm hideous."
"Yup."
That's kind of where the conversation (and all subsequent conversations) ended. I was just trying to connect with her and affirm her. And for that, I get the silent treatment? Isn't agreement within a marriage important? How can I be supportive, honest, and romantic, all at the same time?
Many men have written to me, struggling with this same scenario. I have devoted probably 60% of my studies to this very interchange. We all know that unanimity is vital to a successful marriage. Your instincts are good -- and for all I know, your delivery (a key element) was also good. You're just ignorant and ill-equipped to respond appropriately. Right about now, you're probably expecting to hear my Top 5 Things To Say To Your Wife After She's Told You She's Hideous (in no particular order), but there's only one right answer, so listen close:
"I'm hideous."
"Yes, but I love you anyway."
It's very important that you move toward her as you say this, reinforcing your loving words with loving action. Hug her and follow up with, "I'll always think you're beautiful, because love is blind." A peck on the cheek and a quick pat on the rump should complete the scene. Now your wife has been reassured of your love and will likely not bring up the topic again.
Now Hiring
I was passing by our local Taco Bell and noticed that their sign had been defaced. Instead of saying NOW HIRING CLOSERS, it now says NOW HIRING LOSERS. In spite of myself, I had to laugh. Now I feel guilty for laughing, but everytime I think about the impetus for my guilt, I start laughing again. What's my problem??
Your problem is that you have a guilt-complex. Probably, you had a very strict upbringing reinforced by constant punishment. It's okay to laugh at funny vandalism which seeks to convert phrases such as PLEASE WASH HANDS AFTER USING TOILET to PLEASE WASH HANDS IN TOILET. It's not okay to laugh at stupid conversions like PLEASE STAY OFF MEDIAN 4 PLEASE STAY MEAN or NO SOLICITATION 4 SOLICITATION. The real criminals are people who don't take the time to execute meaningful or humorous phrase alterations. Everyone else is just bringing joy to the world through a little harmless fun.
Otitis Media
My 6-year-old daughter is sick -- she's feverish and is complaining of ear pain. I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, she's becoming very distant and whiny. I tell her to talk coherently, but she just buries her head under her pillow. Finally, I decided to try and make peace by making her favorite cake ... which she didn't hardly eat!! I can't stand this teenage-like behavior! How do I get my little girl back?
Been a mom much? First, I would slam my head into a wall a few times until everything goes black. After regaining consciousness, I would apologize to my daughter and promptly take her to the family physician. He/she will be able to tell you if she has Otitis Media or Ostupidis Momia or whatever and write her a prescription. I'm hoping you can take it from there. If not, someone else will.
Good Friends
My friend is throwing me a 25th birthday party on April 14th. My boyfriend of 1 year has asked if his ex-wife who will be in town at that time can come. They were married for 2 years and divorced about 6 months before we met. He says they stayed "good friends" and she wanted to hang out with him while in town. She supposedly knows we are dating. Do I allow her to come to the party and act like it doesn't bother me or tell him it's my day and not to bring her around?
I think this has "good idea" written all over it. If it bothers you, maybe you need to go somewhere else for the evening. You sicken me.
