No Time
I'm living in 2 dimensions. In this dimension, I'm a waitress and it's about 3:00 a.m. In my other dimension, there's no time, and I can control the events in my life, sort of like dreams sometimes. Sometimes when I dream, I remember my past lives, like when I was a cowboy and got shot accidentally. And then my last life, which I can't remember too well. I just remember that I got crushed somehow. By a large building, maybe. Anyway, do you think maybe this life is a dream, and my other dimension is real life?
Well, I'm not too sure about that, but I will tell you this: I wish that there was no time in this dimension. That way you wouldn't have wasted any of mine.
Miss Diversity
My friend is getting married. As a member of her large wedding party, she wants me to feel included in her special day and informed of every wedding detail. She calls me at work to tell me about her planning and when we are together, she brings every conversation right back to her wedding. Her special day is almost a year away. Is there a polite way to tell her that I miss diversity?
There is. If her name is Tootsie (which I assume that it is), just say, "Listen, Toots, find something else to talk about." For emphasis, it would also be an appropriate time to say, "You're killing me ... and our friendship."
Survival
My family has been going through
Survivor withdrawal now that it's off the air. So to pass the time till the next airing (2/8), we've started our own game: Dalton Family Survivor Challenge (DFSC for short).
Everything was going so well. On day 2, Team Meerkat (me, Timmy, & our cat Sushi) won the Reward Challenge, which was a race to see who could paint a room the fastest. It was a little unfair, since I'm home all day, and Henry was traveling, but a win's a win. And in this case, a win resulted in a
Kohl's gift card. Not great news for Timmy & Sushi, but good news for me.
The Immunity Idol was up for grabs on day 4, and a heated game of
Guesstures turned tragic for Team Meerkat as Sushi couldn't even muster one point to send it into overtime. For that reason (and many others), Sushi was voted out on day 6.
As often happens on the TV show, the tide turned the following week. Day 8 found Henry, Missy (our 5-year-old), & Quizno (our hamster) winning the Reward Challenge, but losing the Immunity Challenge 2 days later. Then, in the most shocking tribal council ever, Missy was voted out on day 12, which meant that she joined Sushi out in the 14 degree weather for the remainder of the game. My question to you is this: Is it okay to call our neighbor and suggest that they take her in for a few weeks?
I'm sick to my stomach right now. The fact that you would cross tribal lines and make a call on an enemy's behalf says a lot about your gameplay, and I dare say you won't be playing the game much longer with that kind of propensity toward distraction. Your husband, on the other hand, is obviously one savvy player, tricking Missy into voting for herself (the most likely of the two scenarios). Good luck to your husband, though I doubt he'll need it. And shame on Timmy for flying under the radar thus far...
Proof Of Life
I'm not a proud man ... or a man devoid of emotion. I'm just a man who believes that men have no business crying or showing their true feelings. That's why I was so disgusted with myself when I watched "Proof Of Life" (Russell Crowe, Meg Ryan, David Morse) for the first time last week, and found myself tearing up at the end. I don't want to spoil anything, so let's just say that Meg Ryan was reunited with her kidnapped husband (David Morse) at the end, and Russell Crowe (the negotiator) was forced to return to his old life and leave his soulmate (Meg Ryan) in a story of celebration and heartbreak. So anyway, I couldn't help but break down at the end, my heart going out to all three main characters, and I wondered if you could tell me if it's manly to cry -- just once in a while.
Don't worry... It's manly to cry. The only thing more manly is to punch yourself in your sissy face after you're done wetting yourself. However, I can identify. I remember a few months ago when my family ran out of paper towels. Something inside me knew, as I used the last one, that my world was about to come crashing down, but I refused to believe it. For two long days, I was forced to use kleenex and moldy washcloths to clean up incidental messes that screamed for something much more effective. When I finally had a chance to run to the store, it was almost too late. My body had begun to convulse and most of my internal organs had started decomposing as my heart longed for the disposable sturdiness that can only be found in paper towels. Fortunately, it wasn't until I arrived home with 48 rolls of the blessed product that the flood of emotions overcame me and I wept with joy and regret. I now keep 2 rolls of paper towels stored in a safe place should this disaster ever occur again, and I believe I'm a better man for having endured it once.
Biggest Loser
I don't know why I'm writing -- I guess I just need some motivation. I finally got up the nerve to sign up with Weight Watchers (because of my weight), but then I saw a commercial for Wheel Watchers (you know, Wheel Of Fortune with that hunk, Pat Sajak). Anyway, I came to the realization that I'm not so much disgusted with my weight as I am yearning for something to keep track of. And given the choice between my weight and Pat Sajak's hair, the decision was easy. So now I'm a member of the Wheel Watchers Club and loving every minute of it. That's where you come in -- I still need motivation to lose weight.
That's easy. I assume you have your own personal SPIN I.D. by now, and you'll notice in your Wheel Watchers Club Newsletter (back page, usually) that you can parlay that into an online application to be on the show. But, of course, to be on the show you have to not be hideously huge, so there's your motivation. When you do make it on, tell Vanna it's been too long since her last visit to my couch.
