Two Years Later
I feel bad. I'm a doctor and I told this guy he had a year to live, at most. He has since quit his job, divorced his wife, taken eight vacations (two to Italy), married a young woman from Italy (not sure how young), spent all of his money (on vacations and such), announced to one of his sons that he's his favorite, and stopped recycling (even though he continues to drink milk). I don't even want to think about all those milk cartons sitting in landfills.
It turns out that I made a mistake. I thought he had a tumor, but now, two years later, it turns out it was just his second kidney (I thought we had removed it, but I was going off of memory, and didn't bother to check his records). He's due to come back into the office next week and I don't know what to say. And what if he sues? Help!
Honesty is always the best policy. In this case, honesty looks like:
1) There's no longer a tumor;
2) He hasn't been following his treatment regimen (which probably would've curtailed his carefree behavior);
3) Has he ever heard of getting a second opinion? If there's one thing all of us can take away from this, it's to GET A SECOND OPINION. This just applies to medical conditions, of course -- not psycho-analysis.
Generally Sucking
So I finally let my boyfriend give me a massage last night, but it goes wrong for two reasons:
1) I have tactile sensitivity, especially with him;
2) He used hair conditioner instead of hand cream.
In case you didn't know, hair conditioner on the skin (in the absence of water) has the opposite effect of hand cream, flaking and generally sucking the moisture from your body. He says it was an accident, but I'm wondering if this is grounds to dump him? Oh, this isn't an isolated incident. Cases in point:
He forgot my birthday;He forgets my name;He insults me in front of his friends. This isn't as bad as it sounds, since he often calls me by the wrong name, thus unwittingly directing the insult elsewhere.So can I break up with him?
Unlike marriage, you don't really need a reason to break up with your boyfriend. In fact, it's not uncommon for people to make up reasons (even to justify divorce). But I don't think you even need to go that far. The hair conditioner notwithstanding, here are my
Top 5 Reasons To Dump This Guy (in no particular order):
1) He can't remember important dates.
2) You don't like it when he touches you.
3) He doesn't care about you enough to remember your name.
4) He's a tool.
5) He's a total tool.
Please break up with him so the "future you" doesn't e-mail me asking if you should be allowed to quit one of your night jobs once baby #6 comes...
Spent
I'm getting pretty sick of my eight-year-old son. I gave him money for the concession stand last night, with the clear stipulation not to spend it all. Sure enough, he spent it all. I got so mad that I told him
a) You're never getting money from me again ... ever.
b) You're the most irresponsible person I know in the whole world.
c) You're just like your father.
It would've and should've ended there, but then another parent told me I was way out of line. I wasn't, was I?
Not if you're the father. But if you are the father, that's just weird, even apart from the broadbrush statements.
Now if you're the mother, you have some rage issues that you should see a psychiatrist about -- Not me, though. I can't handle being yelled at.
Dance Heads
Here are my kids doin' the green screen thang:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y11pWnDU2LIJudging from this, your kids are promiscuous and have the special ability to morph their bodies, but not their heads. You're going to want to buy my "Lifetime Membership" consultation package for only $9,999.00. That covers you for the rest of your life, as well as up to one guest per month (it doesn't have to be the same guest each month). Happy Trails.
