Good Advice

Annual Hiatus 2008

2008-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dr. Fing is on his annual fantasy football hiatus ... be sure to check back in January.

Thank you.

Are You Cranky?

2008-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you what: When people (usually co-workers) say, "Smile," to me, it makes me want to not smile. And yet, I do, because it's the polite thing to do. In a less political world, I would respond with, "Lose weight," or something equally witty. I suppose I should smile more, but then I would need something to smile about -- like a joke, or free donuts, or noticing the misfortune of someone who has just told me to smile for no reason but to point out the fact that I appear surly.

When people say, "Look on the bright side," it makes me want to shoot them with a gun. Not a real gun -- a nerf gun that causes them to jerk their body back just enough to make them spill their coffee on themselves or some such.

When people ask if I'm cranky, they have just enacted what's known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I wasn't cranky before, I'm now livid because instead of taking my opinion seriously, they're belittling my dissenting view with a pretty transparent ad hominem attack. Boo.

When people tell me I look tired, it makes me want to punch them ... but it's always way too much effort (because I am tired).

Occasionally, someone will say something along the lines of, "If you had given me this two days ago, I could've signed you up at the discounted rate. Unfortunately, ..." That makes me so upset that I'm having trouble writing this as I think about the moron who is suggesting that I either find a time machine or start crying in order to show them just how sorry I am for being dumber than the rest of the world. I'm in a part of the world where time machines are hard to come by, so my only recourse is to compliment the person on their crushing blow to my soul.

Thank you for your letter. I wish I was in a better position to answer it, as I love to devote as much time to analyzing letters as my audience does in writing (and living) them. However, I am heading off to a fantasy football draft, and finding it very hard to concentrate on anything other than how I'm going to snag Tom Brady in the third round. If only I had received your letter a few days earlier, I could have given you some excellent advice relative to your problem. But rest assured, your issues are very important to me. Be well.

Facebook Craze

2008-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I like to consider myself a modern man. I have VOIP, I just bought a car with heated windshield wiper fluid, and I'm totally converted to halogen light bulbs throughout the house. But there's one cultural phenomenon that I haven't quite figured out yet: Facebook. Oh, I'm part of the facebook community -- don't worry about that. I'm not a totally worthless member of society. It's just that the drama is becoming more than I can handle.

I update my facebook page about once a week or less -- basically, when something interesting happens. I don't update it when I have trouble finding black socks or when I put gas in the car. I choose my friends carefully and I don't want to bore them with the mundane moments in my life. And speaking of friends, guess what? I don't acknowledge most people who ask me to be their friend. In fact, if there was a "Reject" button, I would choose that in most cases. As it is, I have to ignore their pleas for friendship, which is inefficient. Why can't there be an "acquaintance" option? And no, I'm not going out to Yo-ville to collect more friends. I don't need more friends. And I certainly don't want a bunch of friends dressed up as yogurt or whatever goes on out there.

Which brings me to my wife. She has really jumped into the facebook craze with both feet, posting photo albums and widgets and songs and sending stickers and blogging about how her new toothpaste isn't as good as the toothpaste she had before. That's all super, but don't expect me to be your friend if you're going to be that way. And yet, she does! She's giving me a hard time because I won't be her friend in facebook. Can you tell her that I live with her and I'm her friend in real life, so can we just leave my facebook persona out of it? Seriously.

Thank you for writing on my wall. Right now, I am thinking about how I can answer without sounding like I'm siding with this guy's wife. And right now, I am considering changing my smiley from a :^) to a :-). Lawrence is now a fan of Charlie The Unicorn.

Precious Preciousness

2008-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

My husband and I have a good life -- a house in the suburbs, 2 newish cars, and we're celebrating the birth of our second child. So I should be happy, right? The problem is my dear husband's infernal nicknaming of our children. I don't know where it came from -- he always stayed within the bounds of normalcy with my name when we were dating. Now and then, he'd venture into acceptable terms of endearment like "Honey" or "Sweetie" or "Sugar Pie". And he left our friends' names alone, occasionally referring to "Alice" as "Malice", but that was okay because she's pretty much a b****.

Then came Zachary, our two-year-old. For a while there, Doug was branding him with a new name every day: "Z", "Z-man", "Z-dog", "Zach-O", "Zachinator", "Zachanary von Holstrom". It was as if he would spend all day at work thinking up what he would call his newborn son that evening. He has finally pretty much settled on "Hachary", which makes no sense whatsoever. And "Zachary" was his choice from the beginning! So why does he feel the need to corrupt it?

And now we have a new little one, a new lab animal for him to conduct his base experiments on. Only this one's a girl. And I got to name her. And I don't want him trampling all over her precious preciousness. I guess if he called her, "Precious Preciousness," that would be okay, but I just know he's going to make a mockery out of her. I seriously can't take it. I'm seriously going to leave him. I know that goes against convention, since he's a great guy in every other respect, but if he messes with Sulfur, he's going to find himself on the street renaming pebbles and broken glass...

Doug sounds like a big jerk. I can't imagine him toying with a beautiful name like "Sulfur", but if he does, that's surely a crossed line that requires action on your part. I usually promote reconciliation until it's no longer viable, but I think we both know where this is heading...

Good Hair Day

2008-05-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had one of those days where your hair was so perfect that you wished everyone could see it, and that all of your meetings and events, past & present, could be scheduled for that day/night? Why, oh why, can't my friend's wedding, my driver's license photo, and the first day at my new job be today? I actually get depressed when my hair is this perfect.

Just be glad you have hair. People who don't are depressed every day.

Smart Mob

2008-04-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a depressing 4 months. We've had our house on the market since December and, so far, no bites. We average about 1.2 people/week coming through it, which is just enough to get it nice and dirty until that fateful call. I was close to giving up, until 2 days ago.

I'd heard about it, but never seen it for myself. It's known as a Smart Mob -- a group of people that appear somewhere "spontaneously" (although it's coordinated through the interweb) for a pre-determined duration. In this case, they congregated at our neighbor's house. It was so subtle, and so obvious at the same time. These people began arriving one car at a time, each casting a glance my way as I mowed the lawn. They were unmistakable house-stalkers -- people who are too timid to make a call or set up a house tour, but who are VERY interested in buying. So they usually drive by the house dozens of times, getting the lay of the land and imagining what the inside looks like.

But this was coordinated. There were balloons on the mailbox; several people brought boxes wrapped in gift-wrap -- probably telescopes and binoculars. One guy didn't even bother wrapping his box -- a cake memorializing the occasion. I wanted so badly to invite them over, but realized that this would be intrusive and would likely scare them off. All I can do now is sit by the phone and wait for the offers to start pouring in.

Brilliant. It would probably also be appropriate to turn down prospective visitors to your house. Incidentally, I'll be smart-mobbing it this weekend at a silent disco -- I'll be the guy without headphones.

Turn The Tables

2008-03-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

I can't stand it. My kids are driving me crazy. I have a 4-month-old who sleeps fine -- it's my seven- and ten-year-old that keep me up. I could handle it if they were out till all hours, or talking on the phone with the opposite sex. But no, at least once a night (usually between 11:00 and 12:00), one of them invariably wakes me up to tell me they can't sleep because of a stuffy nose, or an itchy toe, or the cat took a crap on their pillow. Oh, YOU can't sleep?? I CAN sleep, but am prevented from doing so by you little ne'er-do-wells. It's no wonder I'm falling asleep at work ... which is bad since I'm a construction worker.

Yes, I feel your pain. Fortunately, because of my experience with this very thing, I'm able to confidently recommend a sound course of action: Turn the tables. For the next few nights, set your alarm for 2:00 a.m. and wander into your kids' rooms, announcing, "I can't sleep." Keep repeating yourself until you get a response. And when you leave the rooms, make sure to leave their doors open so that the cat has easy access to their pillows. It may seem counterproductive, but trust me -- after three nights, it'll finally sink in and they'll never bother you again. Good luck!

Out Of Control

2008-02-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting dream last night and wondered if you could shed some light on it. The part I remember went like this: I was driving down a snowy hill near my parents' house (where I haven't lived for quite some time), and I soon lost control of the car. Thinking quickly, I swerved into a golf course until my car came to a safe stop on the 18th green. I'm thinking this represents my out-of-control life, while highlighting my resourcefulness and ability to improvise. Do you agree?

I agree that you're an exceptionally bad driver. And I agree that your parents need you to move back into the area -- maybe even back into their house. And I agree that you spend too much time playing golf. Hope that helps.

Giggles And Grins

2008-01-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

My trip to Giant Eagle:

To the guy in the parking lot who thought I took his space:
"I had my blinker on several milliseconds before you. Sorry I almost hit you, but you were obviously bluffing (since you stopped short). Next time you'll know I'm serious."

To the couple that I saw from church:
"Yeah, I don't dress up when I go to Giant Eagle. I don't wash my hair or even comb it, so don't look so shocked next time. Sorry I didn't stop and chat more, but you had your kids and I was annoyed just looking at them. See you Sunday!"

To the lady who kept ramming her shopping cart into my buttocks:
"I know you thought I jumped ahead of you in line, but in actuality, I was picking up my dry cleaning and the register at that end was closed, so the lady brought me over to your register. I hope you eventually got your very important lottery tickets."

To the guy who bought three boxes of condoms and nothing else:
"Dude, you couldn't grab a sale item or two on your way to the checkout line to make yourself less conspicuous? Is the world coming to an end, or were you making a run for your buddies? Or are you getting married and went for the lifetime supply?"

To the cashier who asked me about my kids:
"Yes, I bought diapers, but that doesn't mean I wanted to hear about YOUR kids and how they used to wear diapers when they were younger. It was so interesting to hear that they still eat baby food sometimes, just for giggles and grins. That's so good to know."

To the lady who just had to walk down the middle of the parking aisle while I was trying to drive away:
"Guess what? Pedestrians and cars can co-exist ... but not when you're walking where other people want to drive. Next time I'm going to honk very loudly and then you'll be sorry."

Thanks for using this as a forum to indulge yourself. Now it's my turn: free music pizza coupons 2008 calendar diet plans hdmi share photos. My webmaster says that'll help generate more hits. Let's hope.

By the way, you can tell a lot about a person from a quick shopping trip ... usually. Not in this case, but a lot of the time if you look really hard...

Annual Hiatus 2007

2007-10-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dr. Fing is on his annual fantasy football hiatus ... be sure to check back in January.

Thank you.

Zapping My Energy

2007-09-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I hired this guy who seemed smart enough. And he does a pretty good job with projects, customer communication, etc. But he has this cringe-inducing habit of either choosing the wrong word for the situation, or making up a new word altogether. I can stand it (almost), but he's become the joke of the office. What do I do? Some examples of Chris-speak:

"This office is really blush."

"You just need to give him a little more leedway."

"How am I supposed to wave through all these documents?"

"Ouch! That water is scolding hot!"

"You're really zapping my energy."

"I have this manual down packed."

"They never do anything. That department is like a sift."

"We should be able to test that in the third quarter, banning any emergency."

"But Carl, in his infamous wisdom, decided to hold off."

"If we do it that way, I guarantee you we'll get all kinds of slack."

"What projects are coming down the pipe?"

"This whole thing is a thiasco."

It really is getting to be a thiasco.

There's hope! Just kidding. Besides the obvious (firing the guy), you have little recourse. He's not going to learn his way out of this. If anything, he'll make up more and more words until he's speaking his own language. You could give him a dictionary, but that probably wouldn't get the message across. The only other thing you could do is to try to keep track of all of the words he butchers, and say them the right way repeatedly. This works with kids, but given the extent of the vocabulary you're working against, you'll probably end up fighting a losing battle. Changing jobs is probably your best option (other than firing the guy) -- anything else will just end up being an exercise in fertility.

Just Cliché

2007-08-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

What do you get for the nephew who has everything? Or, more precisely, for the nephew who spends most of his waking hours riding his motorcycle in the nude? His birthday is next month.

Do we have the same nephew? Seriously. Here's what I gave my nephew last year, since a sweater wouldn't do him any good, and a gas card is just cliché: Dog tags. The great thing about dog tags is that they're cool for any age, and they'll help the police identify his body when he collides with a clothes-wearing truck driver. The perfect gift!

Mixed Signals

2007-07-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've had it with the zodiac. I just read mine for today:

Mixed signals are coming your way from someone at work or school, and that could signal a period of pretty intense ambiguity. You can deal with it, of course, but clarity won't come for quite a while yet.

That makes no sense, since I'm a homeless man. That got me thinking, though... How can 8.33% of the world can share the same horoscope? (I said I was homeless, not uneducated.) I'm also questioning why, since I'm looking for clarity in my life, would I buy into something telling me that clarity is a long way off?

I don't know a lot about astrology or horoscopes, but I do know they will never steer you wrong. For instance, I know for sure that I'm a Pisces, not because of my birth date, but because I love to eat fish -- any kind of fish (except that poisonous kind). I also know that there's a 50% chance that I will be a Cancer someday. Statistics don't lie, folks. I may not die from it, but my dad did, so the likelihood is high. Something else I know: Those personality profiles are a bunch of bunk, and a way to part you from your money. All you need to know is the geocentric positioning of the stars on the day you were born, not whether you're an introvert, an extrovert, or a pervert.

So shame on you for questioning your God-given destiny. I don't care if you're a Sagittarius, a Gemini, or a Capricola -- be proud and stand tall! And as a special bonus, here's a timely reading for Virgo dogs (of which I have 2):

You know what they say about bigger dogs: if you give them a shred of sinew they'll take the whole bone. Don't share your resources today because you may end up parting with more than you bargained for.

Think about it.

Totally Legal

2007-06-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I figured it out. And it's totally legal! I'm two months into my experiment of contracting poison ivy multiple times during the summer (for multiple summers), thus prompting my doctor to prescribe steroids for me. I'm pretty sure that I'm already feeling more muscular, and I've had many young ladies looking my way as I go about my day-to-day activities. That could be because of my freakish rash, but more likely due to my new physique. I just wanted to pass on the advice to one of the most frequented blogs on the planet.

P.S. One other piece of advice to your readers: Don't use bleach on poison ivy. I tried that once to "speed up" the healing process, and ended up with very bad burns.

1. Thanks for the plug.
2. You'll never get a big enough dose to do the trick. Good luck, though.
3. I'll always remember what my Grammy used to tell me everytime we'd visit her in Nebraska: "Skin should never come in contact with bleach, acid, or Boron -- Anyone who thinks it should is pretty much a complete moron."

Pregnancy Sex

2007-05-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Nevermind.

Okay.

Doubly Redundant

2007-04-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I hate my wife. Actually, I just hate almost everything she does. One thing that she does that annoys the hell out of me is when she dissects my sentences while I'm trying to make my point during an argument. Example:
Her: "Well, you've done it again. You've embarrassed me in front of my friends. I'm so glad I married you -- You're a real catch. What was I, on drugs?"
Me: "You started attacking me right when we got there. You're like 'Your husband does that, too? And does he wear his LeBron James jersey to church, too?' You neglected to mention that I wore it UNDER my shirt for good luck."
Her: "Well, I really doubt that I ended two sentences in a row with the word 'too'. Plus, I was just making conversation. Something you could try once in a while."
Me: "How can I when you paint me as some dufus without any clue about anything?"
Her: "That's redundant. Actually, doubly redundant ... if that's even possible."

If she annoys the hell out of you, isn't that a good thing? After all, isn't hell bad? So aren't you saying that she gets rid of all of the bad things within you, building character and making you a better person? Plus, isn't it funny that the word 'dissect' has two 'S's instead of one? I wonder why that is...

All Giddy

2007-03-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've found my soulmate...finally! Scott is so good-looking and charming; I get all giddy just thinking about him. And even though he's married, it turns out that his wife has terminal cancer. Plus, she's bipolar and refuses to take her medicine -- we all know what that means. Can you say "PMS times ten"? Plus, she has a rare condition that doesn't allow her to be intimate with him. My heart just goes out to Scott. He's such a good guy -- it's a crime that he's in such a destructive marriage. I'm so thankful that I'm able to be there for him. We get to see each other at work and at the occasional sports event (his sons play soccer and basketball), but he turns into a different person when he's with his wife. I think he's embarrassed of her. How can I bring him out of his shell?

His wife needs to accept the fact that she's dying and that there's someone else who can make him happy. The best way for her to get the inevitable through her thick skull is for you to be as affectionate as possible in public. You might try inviting them both into your home to start the transition process. Scott is a lucky man to have found you. I know you guys will be happy together for many, many months.

The Ruse

2007-03-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do about "Lisa". We're pretty hot and heavy into an affair, but she's becoming less and less discreet. This whole thing's going to blow up in my face. The only thing saving us is the fact that my wife is the most naive person in the world. I've told Ginger that when she's around my wife she has to ignore me, or be cool about it, but she can't seem to help herself. I'm just so good-looking and charming that she just has to throw herself at me. So then I have to act all aloof. Meanwhile, my wife just fumes and I have to hear about Ginger all the way home. I tell her that she's flirtatious with everyone at work also, and the company is losing money because of her. What do I do about her?

Well, it would be a mistake to break off the relationship at this stage, since it sounds like you're happy when you're (alone) together. And the important thing is your happiness, as well as keeping this from your wife. Do you have any kids you can use to distract your wife for you? Maybe pay them off to help with the ruse?

Extra Mile

2007-03-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have been married to "Scott" for several years. He's a wonderful man. It's the second marriage for me, the third for Scott. We are in our 40s and attend a lot of school sporting events for his youngest sons. We live in a small town. Scott grew up here and knows everyone. My problem is the mother of one of the team members. We'll call her "Delilah". She is married but seems to have issues. She's obnoxiously flirtatious with Scott. Her husband has not accompanied her to many of the games, and her behavior is escalating. I'm not usually a jealous person, but this is getting annoying. I have, until this point, always been nice to her. I even complimented her on losing weight once, even though it didn't look like she had lost any. And why is it that she can't just let her "come get me" outfits do the work for her, instead of going the extra mile in case there are blind people who haven't noticed her? I'm just wondering how Scott can stand seeing her every day at work. She must be quite a bother, because he frequently has to stay at the office late to get all the work done that Chatty Cathy wouldn't let him do. So what can I do about this?

You may want to consider pulling your (his) sons out of the sporting events. You don't need the aggravation. Or, if Scott insists, he can go alone and suffer through Delilah's advances while you take a bath.

Two Years Later

2007-02-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

I feel bad. I'm a doctor and I told this guy he had a year to live, at most. He has since quit his job, divorced his wife, taken eight vacations (two to Italy), married a young woman from Italy (not sure how young), spent all of his money (on vacations and such), announced to one of his sons that he's his favorite, and stopped recycling (even though he continues to drink milk). I don't even want to think about all those milk cartons sitting in landfills.

It turns out that I made a mistake. I thought he had a tumor, but now, two years later, it turns out it was just his second kidney (I thought we had removed it, but I was going off of memory, and didn't bother to check his records). He's due to come back into the office next week and I don't know what to say. And what if he sues? Help!

Honesty is always the best policy. In this case, honesty looks like:
1) There's no longer a tumor;
2) He hasn't been following his treatment regimen (which probably would've curtailed his carefree behavior);
3) Has he ever heard of getting a second opinion? If there's one thing all of us can take away from this, it's to GET A SECOND OPINION. This just applies to medical conditions, of course -- not psycho-analysis.

Generally Sucking

2007-02-19T12:00:00.000-08:00

So I finally let my boyfriend give me a massage last night, but it goes wrong for two reasons:
1) I have tactile sensitivity, especially with him;
2) He used hair conditioner instead of hand cream.

In case you didn't know, hair conditioner on the skin (in the absence of water) has the opposite effect of hand cream, flaking and generally sucking the moisture from your body. He says it was an accident, but I'm wondering if this is grounds to dump him? Oh, this isn't an isolated incident. Cases in point:

He forgot my birthday;

He forgets my name;

He insults me in front of his friends. This isn't as bad as it sounds, since he often calls me by the wrong name, thus unwittingly directing the insult elsewhere.

So can I break up with him?

Unlike marriage, you don't really need a reason to break up with your boyfriend. In fact, it's not uncommon for people to make up reasons (even to justify divorce). But I don't think you even need to go that far. The hair conditioner notwithstanding, here are my
Top 5 Reasons To Dump This Guy (in no particular order):
1) He can't remember important dates.
2) You don't like it when he touches you.
3) He doesn't care about you enough to remember your name.
4) He's a tool.
5) He's a total tool.

Please break up with him so the "future you" doesn't e-mail me asking if you should be allowed to quit one of your night jobs once baby #6 comes...

Spent

2007-02-12T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm getting pretty sick of my eight-year-old son. I gave him money for the concession stand last night, with the clear stipulation not to spend it all. Sure enough, he spent it all. I got so mad that I told him
a) You're never getting money from me again ... ever.
b) You're the most irresponsible person I know in the whole world.
c) You're just like your father.

It would've and should've ended there, but then another parent told me I was way out of line. I wasn't, was I?

Not if you're the father. But if you are the father, that's just weird, even apart from the broadbrush statements.

Now if you're the mother, you have some rage issues that you should see a psychiatrist about -- Not me, though. I can't handle being yelled at.

Dance Heads

2007-02-05T12:00:00.000-08:00

Here are my kids doin' the green screen thang: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y11pWnDU2LI

Judging from this, your kids are promiscuous and have the special ability to morph their bodies, but not their heads. You're going to want to buy my "Lifetime Membership" consultation package for only $9,999.00. That covers you for the rest of your life, as well as up to one guest per month (it doesn't have to be the same guest each month). Happy Trails.

No Time

2007-01-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm living in 2 dimensions. In this dimension, I'm a waitress and it's about 3:00 a.m. In my other dimension, there's no time, and I can control the events in my life, sort of like dreams sometimes. Sometimes when I dream, I remember my past lives, like when I was a cowboy and got shot accidentally. And then my last life, which I can't remember too well. I just remember that I got crushed somehow. By a large building, maybe. Anyway, do you think maybe this life is a dream, and my other dimension is real life?

Well, I'm not too sure about that, but I will tell you this: I wish that there was no time in this dimension. That way you wouldn't have wasted any of mine.

Miss Diversity

2007-01-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

My friend is getting married. As a member of her large wedding party, she wants me to feel included in her special day and informed of every wedding detail. She calls me at work to tell me about her planning and when we are together, she brings every conversation right back to her wedding. Her special day is almost a year away. Is there a polite way to tell her that I miss diversity?

There is. If her name is Tootsie (which I assume that it is), just say, "Listen, Toots, find something else to talk about." For emphasis, it would also be an appropriate time to say, "You're killing me ... and our friendship."

Survival

2007-01-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

My family has been going through Survivor withdrawal now that it's off the air. So to pass the time till the next airing (2/8), we've started our own game: Dalton Family Survivor Challenge (DFSC for short).

Everything was going so well. On day 2, Team Meerkat (me, Timmy, & our cat Sushi) won the Reward Challenge, which was a race to see who could paint a room the fastest. It was a little unfair, since I'm home all day, and Henry was traveling, but a win's a win. And in this case, a win resulted in a Kohl's gift card. Not great news for Timmy & Sushi, but good news for me.

The Immunity Idol was up for grabs on day 4, and a heated game of Guesstures turned tragic for Team Meerkat as Sushi couldn't even muster one point to send it into overtime. For that reason (and many others), Sushi was voted out on day 6.

As often happens on the TV show, the tide turned the following week. Day 8 found Henry, Missy (our 5-year-old), & Quizno (our hamster) winning the Reward Challenge, but losing the Immunity Challenge 2 days later. Then, in the most shocking tribal council ever, Missy was voted out on day 12, which meant that she joined Sushi out in the 14 degree weather for the remainder of the game. My question to you is this: Is it okay to call our neighbor and suggest that they take her in for a few weeks?

I'm sick to my stomach right now. The fact that you would cross tribal lines and make a call on an enemy's behalf says a lot about your gameplay, and I dare say you won't be playing the game much longer with that kind of propensity toward distraction. Your husband, on the other hand, is obviously one savvy player, tricking Missy into voting for herself (the most likely of the two scenarios). Good luck to your husband, though I doubt he'll need it. And shame on Timmy for flying under the radar thus far...

Proof Of Life

2007-01-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm not a proud man ... or a man devoid of emotion. I'm just a man who believes that men have no business crying or showing their true feelings. That's why I was so disgusted with myself when I watched "Proof Of Life" (Russell Crowe, Meg Ryan, David Morse) for the first time last week, and found myself tearing up at the end. I don't want to spoil anything, so let's just say that Meg Ryan was reunited with her kidnapped husband (David Morse) at the end, and Russell Crowe (the negotiator) was forced to return to his old life and leave his soulmate (Meg Ryan) in a story of celebration and heartbreak. So anyway, I couldn't help but break down at the end, my heart going out to all three main characters, and I wondered if you could tell me if it's manly to cry -- just once in a while.

Don't worry... It's manly to cry. The only thing more manly is to punch yourself in your sissy face after you're done wetting yourself. However, I can identify. I remember a few months ago when my family ran out of paper towels. Something inside me knew, as I used the last one, that my world was about to come crashing down, but I refused to believe it. For two long days, I was forced to use kleenex and moldy washcloths to clean up incidental messes that screamed for something much more effective. When I finally had a chance to run to the store, it was almost too late. My body had begun to convulse and most of my internal organs had started decomposing as my heart longed for the disposable sturdiness that can only be found in paper towels. Fortunately, it wasn't until I arrived home with 48 rolls of the blessed product that the flood of emotions overcame me and I wept with joy and regret. I now keep 2 rolls of paper towels stored in a safe place should this disaster ever occur again, and I believe I'm a better man for having endured it once.

Biggest Loser

2007-01-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I'm writing -- I guess I just need some motivation. I finally got up the nerve to sign up with Weight Watchers (because of my weight), but then I saw a commercial for Wheel Watchers (you know, Wheel Of Fortune with that hunk, Pat Sajak). Anyway, I came to the realization that I'm not so much disgusted with my weight as I am yearning for something to keep track of. And given the choice between my weight and Pat Sajak's hair, the decision was easy. So now I'm a member of the Wheel Watchers Club and loving every minute of it. That's where you come in -- I still need motivation to lose weight.

That's easy. I assume you have your own personal SPIN I.D. by now, and you'll notice in your Wheel Watchers Club Newsletter (back page, usually) that you can parlay that into an online application to be on the show. But, of course, to be on the show you have to not be hideously huge, so there's your motivation. When you do make it on, tell Vanna it's been too long since her last visit to my couch.

Annual Hiatus 2006

2006-10-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

Dr. Fing is on his annual fantasy football hiatus ... be sure to check back in January.

Thank you.

Best If Used By

2006-09-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

The "Best If Used By:" labels on foodstuffs is nice, but what would be more useful is any of the following labels:

Okay If Used By:
Will Cause Missed Work If Used By:
Might Kill You If Used By:
Will Kill You If Used By:
Will Kill Someone Else Without The Police Being Able To Trace It Back To You If Used By:

How about this one?
"Will Turn To A Different Color By:"

The Other Side

2006-08-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed the blogging you did about your hospital stay. I too was in the hospital with an "affliction" many years ago, so I can relate. I feel a kinship with you, my brother, for we both got a "glimpse" of the "other side" and lived to tell about it. It's an experience I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I'm a better person for it, and yet, I can't explain it to people who haven't been "in my shoes". I will be contacting your office shortly to hopefully set up a counseling session where we can sit and "chat".

Your over-use of quotation marks is disturbing -- even more disturbing than the "kinship" you profess. See how I quoted you, using quotes (abbr) in an appropriate manner? One of me pet peeves is when people (like you) use quotes for emphasis (I'll blog about my top 5 pet peeves some other time). Not only is it meaningless, it's also usually redundant. For instance, if I wished someone "Happy Holidays", that's stupid -- not only because being politically correct makes me nauseous, but also because the term 'Happy Holidays' is already a widely (and wildly) accepted expression with no need for emphasis ... Which brings me to the acceptable uses for quotation marks:
1) Quoting someone, usually mockingly - e.g. This guy may have an "affliction", but it's more mental than physical.
2) Approximation - e.g. I had a relatively "happy" holiday.
3) Euphemism - e.g. Congratulations to our new "Sheriff".
4) Slang (but only if it's out of character) - e.g. I don't know if I'm exactly "down" with that particular idea.
The best use if you can cross categories - e.g. I don't know what "other side" this guy's talking about, and I'd rather not "glimpse" it if it has anything to do with some of the procedures I went through...
That right there is a deft mix of mocking quotation & euphemism.

The 420

2006-08-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

I heard your radio show the other day and decided to take your advice. You were talking about implementing a reward system for your kids to incent them to do chores, homework, etc. Unfortunately, I'm typing this from the prison library because the authorities didn't agree with you. It seems that they don't care about educational improvement or about innovative moms who have crushes on certain radio geniuses. I mentioned your name a lot, but to no avail. They still locked me up, just for giving my son a little pot whenever he finished his homework. I'll tell you this: They ought to make a commercial where the kid's grades actually go up and the bond between mother & son is strengthened, all because of an investment in some marijuana. Why is everyone so obtuse (to quote a fellow inmate)?

First of all, that "fellow inmate" was Tim Robbins from The ShawShank Redemption, and your quote is way off. Second of all, don't ever mention my name again. Third of all, how big of a crush do you have on me?

Anesthesia Or Something

2006-08-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

More hospital dialog:

Lauren (Nurse): Okay, Mr. Fing, we're going to take some blood. Right or left arm?
Me (Patient): Uhh, shouldn't I get anesthesia or something?
Lauren: What, you don't like needles?
Me: Does anyone?
Lauren: My nephew does -- he's a junkie.
Me: [Speechless]
Lauren: How about the right arm?
Me: That's my throwing arm.
Lauren: Oh, do you play sports for a living?
Me: No. I psycho-analyze people and animals.
Lauren: Umm, okay, left arm then.
Me: [Melodramatically] Oh, Lauren, if it's possible, let this cup pass from me, as I don't yet have a will, and I really should have a will.
Julia (wife): Are you comparing having blood drawn to Christ's crucifixion?
Me: I'm delusional from the drugs.
Julia: The Motrin? You've graduated from wimp to something even more sad and pathetic, like some freakish loser.

Roll Over

2006-08-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

Nurse: Okay, Mr. Fing, let's have you roll over onto your left side -- we're going to give you a rectal exam.
Me: Who's "we"?
Nurse: Well, just me.
Me: Uhhh, I just had one at Med Express. Do I need another one?
Nurse: Oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't know that. Is that in your paperwork?
Me: Let's hope so. And by "us", I mean "me".
Julia: You're such a wimp.
Me: It's not that I'm a wimp; it's just that I have a strict one-rectal-per-day policy. You can look it up if you want -- it's in my manifesto. Page 6.

Back From The Dead

2006-07-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the famine of blogging. I've been in the hospital with Diverticulitis -- near death once or twice, then "taking one for the team" in the form of a colonoscopy. For those of you who've never experienced this procedure, let me just say, um, neither have I. I don't remember the drug they gave me (Versed, probably), but it basically erases your memory for the next 20-30 minutes (depending on dosage, I assume). I have since solicited our vast drug underground to obtain several instances of Versed, and will be publishing several future articles documenting its use, and imploring the medical community to refer to it by its original and intended name, the "We Need To Talk" Wonderdrug. Now, whenever Julia gets that look in her eye (not that look), I inject myself with 10 cc of WNTT and my future self becomes ignorant of the laborious conversation that has just ensued.

Incidentally, now that I'm out of the hospital, you'll surely notice several used medical supplies and various bodily fluids of mine for auction on ebay. You're welcome to bid, but due to contractual obligations, I'm only able to sign that which is from the everythingfing.com storefront.

Thanks for your prayers and concerns.

Guess What?

2006-06-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm so fustrated. About 8 times I've been fooled by the "Guess what? What? That's what!" joke at school. What can I do about it?

The trick is to train yourself to not instinctively say, "What?" "Hmm?" works, as does "Yes?" But all of the alternatives require you to do some mental processing to avoid the obvious. Don't worry -- this gets easier as time goes on.

I've found that the most effective approach is to just walk away. If you train yourself to walk away every time someone asks you a question, you'll never fall prey to a juvenile prankster looking to capitalize on your feigned interest. The questions may get louder, and may become laced with expletives, but it won't be long before you're treated with the respect and/or ostracization you deserve. And at the end of the day, isn't that what we're all looking for?

A Big Fan Of Breathing

2006-06-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm responding to your last blog entry. Please give me the name of that woman whose message you published, or at least direct her to my profile. I'm dying to meet her. I think she could be my soulmate! Btw, tell her she can ignore most of my bio -- I'm a divorced atheist looking for a 44- to 46-year-old hottie.

Thanks!

I'll do one better -- I'll post your message for all the world (and all the women in the world) to see. As it turns out, I'm a big fan of breathing too. In my spare time, I enjoy digesting food and producing white blood cells. Too bad I'm married!!! Oh wait, that doesn't matter.

Life Begins At 45

2006-06-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

I need some advice. In the past year, I've had an affair with a married man, divorced my husband (soaking him for all he's worth in the process), started drinking, taken up smoking, left my church, and alienated most of my friends. Can you tell me what my next move should be? I'm 45 years old and I have three kids. They say life begins at 40... am I too late?

P.S. My ex-husband is socially inept, works long hours, and spends little to no time with the kids. So, as you can see, it was just a matter of time.

Too late for what? Re-entry into adolescence? No, I think your journey of self-discovery is going swimmingly. Your husband sounds like a big jerk -- does he bite his fingernails also? As far as a next step, have you tried to locate any designer drugs? I think that would be fun to try. You should also think about re-connecting with Mr. Z. I have a feeling things will work out with him. You go, girl!!

Diversity Seminar

2006-05-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I recently attended a Diversity Seminar at my company, and I have to say that I'm now much more diverse. I've learned not to judge people solely based on their age, race, and gender, but to look deeper and inquire about their heritage and political leanings, so that I can judge them on the things beneath the surface as well. I've learned that women enjoy being invited to golf outings, but resent being asked to attend an evening meeting. Yet, they'll go to the latter before the former. I've learned that people of color prefer to be called "people of color" and people of non-color prefer to be called "whitees." I've learned that quotas are good ... as long as you don't call them quotas. And I've learned that we can all learn something interesting from someone else -- unless that someone else shares your value system.

And I've learned that people who don't learn anything at diversity seminars have nothing to contribute to society. What is this country built on, if not diversity? That is, besides life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, justice for all, taxation without representation, universalized health care, and having nothing to fear but fear itself?

Consider It Done

2006-05-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

I have two employees and they're both killing me. I'd like to fire them, but I need to get work done. Anyway, here's my problem:
When given a task, one of them always says, "Consider it done." Here's what I'd like to hear: "Consider it received." Then when it's done it's okay to say, "Consider it done."
The other one always says, "No problem." If it was really no problem, then why are there problems that I have to deal with on the back-side?
Killing me.

Count your blessings. They're not really trying to kill you. It sounds like they mean well, they've just fallen into some habits that annoy you. Consider this: Some of my employees really are trying to kill me -- I think they saw the show on Discovery Health about the wife who poisoned her husband with castor beans, and, sure enough, now they keep trying to get me to eat casseroles and cakes that they've brought to work. Meanwhile, they've given me the nickname, "Castor." Someone needs to take this to the police if I die.

Bad Cop/Good Cop

2006-05-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

I've noticed that as my wife and I interact with the kids, we tend to complement each other in the following manner: when one of us takes an active role, the other becomes more passive ... and vice versa. And the strange thing is that when one of us reverses roles, the other one follows suit. It's like the universe requires that we polarize. Have you encountered that in your counseling?

As a world-renown psychotherapist, I have indeed encountered this. As a matter of fact, I wrote a series of articles on the subject, breaking new ground and earning my second Grawemeyer award in the process. To summarize:

The behavior you've described is referred to as the "Bad Cop/Good Cop" Phena -- the structured collection of phenomena that explains the balanced disciplinary instincts of parents and superordinates (bosses, colloquially) when executed in tandem. The signature derivative (or "Alpha") of the BC/GC Phena is of course the Bad Cop/Good Cop method, whereby one parent (for the sake of argument) takes an active role (BC) as he/she relates to the child, prompting the other parent to take a more passive role (GC). This allows the child freedom to "choose" which parent he/she can confide in, although it's really no choice at all. The child will always seek consolation with the more sympathetic parent, allowing the chastisement of the more active parent to go un-challenged, thereby allowing the child to passively process and accept the harsh ridicule. It's pure survival instinct, really. Nothing more. So that's basically the meat of the first six articles -- on to the seventh...

The second method (not counting the inverted Alpha) is known as Good Cop/No Cop, defined thusly: Parent A legitimately inverts the process by initiating with warmth and understanding (GC), but then Parent B loses his/her nerve and retreats (NC), leaving Parent A with the unsavory dilemma of whether to perform both roles (an almost impossible task), or abandon the script and chase down Parent B. Either way, the result is somewhat less functional than the Alpha, but still has some effectiveness if carried out to its conclusion. And since I'm running out of room, I'll skip to article #26...

Worse than the Bad Cop/Bad Cop method is Bad Cop/Dirty Cop. This is where the Alpha method is initiated (Parent A/Active Role) to a point, but breaks down because Parent B is taking money and/or cocaine from criminals without reporting the transaction. This is a very dysfunctional situation for the child, but not as dysfunctional as...

Bad Cop/Bad Commissioner: This is the most devastating of the Phena. This is where the Alpha is initiated, but Parent B starts criticizing Parent A for their incompetence, ignorance, or general meanness. In the process, Parent B upsets the whole dynamic by establishing himself/herself as the superordinate, Parent A as the subordinate, and the child as irrelevant. Parent A is consumed with Parent B's behavior and the child is left to define his/her own shortcomings, which now include causing discord between his/her two favorite people. This method will always resort in one cop being transferred to a different precinct, prompting 2 other cops to enter the scene and engage in relations with the first 2 cops. Not a pretty picture...

Big Words

2006-05-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

My husband is driving me crazy. He just got back from a conference for pseudo-intellectuals and now he's acting like an idiot, using all this touchy-feely language with all these big words that don't mean what he thinks they mean. I also suspect he's making up words. How do I get him to stop?

Well, Jules, here's what you can do: Maybe try honoring your husband instead of denigrating him. Try being a little more circumspect instead of circumscript. The fact that you're so recalcitrant makes me wonder if you've ever really appreciated my obfuscation. It seems to me that you've become quite ubiquitous, and not a little bit didactic. I'll accept some of the blame, but at the risk of sounding like a sycophant, I'm not sure I can fully subscribe to your circuitous iconoclysm. Moreover, the fact that you attack my heteroingenuity in such an idiomatic and sacrosanct fashion tells me that you're calling your own heteroingenuity into question, and as anyone can tell you, that's just plain unkempt. Try looking at the logistics of your own eye before pointing out the spectacle of your partner.

LOL

2006-05-01T12:00:00.000-07:00

I just found out something disturbing, and that is that my whole support base is actually paper-thin and in fact may be working against me. Here's why: I recently learned that in the digital realm LOL means "Laugh Out Loud", NOT "Lots Of Luck". That discovery prompted me to retrace my steps, and in the process I wandered into some unsettling territory. Like this little piece of dialog:
"I'm thinking about applying for a job with the FBI. I'm very good at covert operations, like the time I had to fill-in as the tooth fairy when Jimmy's [my brother's] kids were staying with me."
"LOL"
Or this one:
"I'm trying to track down my biological parents. Maybe they're trying to find me, too!"
"LOL"
Or:
"I'm thinking about trying out my neighbors' internet-based business. They say if I invest just 5 hours a week, I can achieve financial freedom in 2 years."
"LOL"

So all this time they've been jeering instead of cheering. What do you do when you find out that your friends are no friends at all?

I don't know -- I've never tried to get out of an internet-based business.

General Bad Behavior

2006-04-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

A couple weeks ago, my wife sent the kids to bed early for breaking a lamp during a friendly game of indoor soccer. Let me tell you, that was the best move ever. My wife & I got some much-needed alone time, and it turned into an evening of re-connection and romance. A couple of nights later, a little light went on for me, and I sent the kids to bed early again. Same thing the next night. And the next night... Last night, we held a family meeting in which I declared that due to their general bad behavior, the kids would be going to bed at 7:00 pm for the forseeable future, subject to change at the sole discretion of the parental units. That leaves time for 20 minutes of play, 2 hours of homework, and a family dinner after school.

Even though my wife & I have set 3 new records for post-honeymoon intimacy in the past 2 weeks*, my wife is expressing some concerns about the kids' quality of life. What do you think?

* most in a 13-day time period (6); most in a 10-day time period (5); most times on the living room couch (1)

I think those are some formidable records. More importantly, I don't see anything un-healthy with robbing your kids of a little post-dinner playtime. The truth is I'm kind of jealous. Since my wife, Julia, and I don't get along very well, I'll often try to keep the kids awake as long as possible in order to avoid coming in contact with the little lady. I often have to institute house rules like "First one to doze off loses a battleship" or "Last person awake gets to kick their brother/sister in the stomach". Pretty effective.

Losing Sleep

2006-04-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

My wife always makes me lock all the doors and windows at night, for fear that someone will break in and rape her. That's not so bad, but on occasion she'll wake me up at 1:00 a.m. and ask what that sound was and if everything's locked. And if I'm not on the top of my game, I'll tell her I don't remember and then I'm heading downstairs in my shorts with a plastic ninja sword. The kicker is that no one's going to touch her once they see her, um, eveningwear and no makeup. What do I do to stop the vicious cycle?

You could tell her she's not rape-worthy. That would end one vicious cycle, but might start another. I would give her my
Top 5 Things Worth Losing Sleep Over (in no particular order):
1. Someone breaking into the house and stealing the big screen TV.
2. Someone breaking into the house and stealing the refridgerator (including all the milk).
3. Wondering if you remembered to shut the car windows now that it's thunderstorming.
4. Wondering if your Christmas Tree lights are going to cause your house to go up in flames.
5. Wondering if the peeps from What Not To Wear are going to show up at work tomorrow.

Dandelions

2006-04-24T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's officially lawn-mowing season, and I found myself wondering how dandelions are created. I know how they re-populate, but how are they created? I mean, if everyone treated their lawn with chemicals to prevent dandelions, and we all did it at the same time, would we be able to eliminate dandelions once and for all?

How would I know? Ask Doug Hall from American Inventor. I think he spent a whole summer as a dandelion in 1995.

The Janitor

2006-04-21T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was at school today and mentioned it to some adults that Miss Stephens was picking on me. So I gave it right back to her, cause that ain't right. Well, then the janitor says not to be insulting his wife. I'm like "Your wife?" Well she was picking on me in class and what am I supposed to do, sit there and take it? No way, I stood up and told her how ugly she was. Then she said to sit my ass down and quit causing trouble for the 800th time. 800? I said. Isn't that how much you weigh? "You better not talk about my wife" says the janitor. "I'm gonna beat up your husband." I told him I'm in 8th grade! I don't have no husband. He says "Well, when you get a husband, I'm gonna beat him up." Whatever.

That's messed up.

Last Night's Dream

2006-04-19T12:00:00.000-07:00

Even though I'm some 15 years removed from any kind of schooling, I still find myself dreaming about going to class, taking exams, missing exams, etc. Last night's dream was pretty typical -- I was on my way to some nebulous class on some nondescript campus, when I realized I was barefoot and didn't have my books. So I started walking back to my dorm, and then a woman flashed me, and then I noticed my car was parked on the side of the road, but I didn't have my keys with me, so I still had to walk all the way back. I woke up before I got to my dorm. What's it all mean?

I wish I knew. I had that exact dream a couple of weeks ago. Unfortunately for both of us, I missed most of the class that dealt with that in college due to some rough times surrounding an internship I was doing at a massage therapy center. My guess is that it means something significant and possibly life-altering, I just don't know what. Let me know if you find out.

All Well And Good

2006-04-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

My "friend" has a "car" she's trying to "sell". A few days ago, someone "looked at it" and told her he "liked it" and would call her. Well, that's all well and good, but what is she supposed to do in the meantime? She would really like to call him, but isn't sure if that's the best course of action. What do you think?

First of all, I'm sure the prospective buyer will call, since he said he would. It's just a matter of time... But if she simply can't wait, your friend should take out some more ads and maybe think about ebay if she has an account. Lasly, it wouldn't make any sense for her to call him. I don't know how she would even get his number.

Tax Refund

2006-04-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

I just got my income tax refund. Should I spend it on this or this?

** This **

Simonizing

2006-04-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

I just realized that Simon Cowell from American Idol owns the mall up the street. And a bunch of other malls too! You know, Simon Properties? That's crazy!

Crazy, indeed. Don't forget that he also invented the Simonizing process. Whenever I drive my shiny car to the mall, then insult a few shoppers, I can't help but think how empty my life would be without Mr. Cowell.

Unanimity

2006-04-10T12:00:00.000-07:00

"I'm hideous. Look at me."
"I think you look great."
"Are you blind? How can you even say that with a straight face?"
After several years of performing this dialog flawlessly with my wife, I finally changed it up. Last week, it went like this:
"I give up. Why do I even try? I'm hideous."
"Yup."
That's kind of where the conversation (and all subsequent conversations) ended. I was just trying to connect with her and affirm her. And for that, I get the silent treatment? Isn't agreement within a marriage important? How can I be supportive, honest, and romantic, all at the same time?

Many men have written to me, struggling with this same scenario. I have devoted probably 60% of my studies to this very interchange. We all know that unanimity is vital to a successful marriage. Your instincts are good -- and for all I know, your delivery (a key element) was also good. You're just ignorant and ill-equipped to respond appropriately. Right about now, you're probably expecting to hear my Top 5 Things To Say To Your Wife After She's Told You She's Hideous (in no particular order), but there's only one right answer, so listen close:
"I'm hideous."
"Yes, but I love you anyway."
It's very important that you move toward her as you say this, reinforcing your loving words with loving action. Hug her and follow up with, "I'll always think you're beautiful, because love is blind." A peck on the cheek and a quick pat on the rump should complete the scene. Now your wife has been reassured of your love and will likely not bring up the topic again.

Now Hiring

2006-04-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

I was passing by our local Taco Bell and noticed that their sign had been defaced. Instead of saying NOW HIRING CLOSERS, it now says NOW HIRING LOSERS. In spite of myself, I had to laugh. Now I feel guilty for laughing, but everytime I think about the impetus for my guilt, I start laughing again. What's my problem??

Your problem is that you have a guilt-complex. Probably, you had a very strict upbringing reinforced by constant punishment. It's okay to laugh at funny vandalism which seeks to convert phrases such as PLEASE WASH HANDS AFTER USING TOILET to PLEASE WASH HANDS IN TOILET. It's not okay to laugh at stupid conversions like PLEASE STAY OFF MEDIAN 4 PLEASE STAY MEAN or NO SOLICITATION 4 SOLICITATION. The real criminals are people who don't take the time to execute meaningful or humorous phrase alterations. Everyone else is just bringing joy to the world through a little harmless fun.

Otitis Media

2006-04-05T12:00:00.000-07:00

My 6-year-old daughter is sick -- she's feverish and is complaining of ear pain. I don't know what to do. To make matters worse, she's becoming very distant and whiny. I tell her to talk coherently, but she just buries her head under her pillow. Finally, I decided to try and make peace by making her favorite cake ... which she didn't hardly eat!! I can't stand this teenage-like behavior! How do I get my little girl back?

Been a mom much? First, I would slam my head into a wall a few times until everything goes black. After regaining consciousness, I would apologize to my daughter and promptly take her to the family physician. He/she will be able to tell you if she has Otitis Media or Ostupidis Momia or whatever and write her a prescription. I'm hoping you can take it from there. If not, someone else will.

Good Friends

2006-04-03T12:00:00.000-07:00

My friend is throwing me a 25th birthday party on April 14th. My boyfriend of 1 year has asked if his ex-wife who will be in town at that time can come. They were married for 2 years and divorced about 6 months before we met. He says they stayed "good friends" and she wanted to hang out with him while in town. She supposedly knows we are dating. Do I allow her to come to the party and act like it doesn't bother me or tell him it's my day and not to bring her around?

I think this has "good idea" written all over it. If it bothers you, maybe you need to go somewhere else for the evening. You sicken me.

Busted!

2006-03-31T12:00:00.000-08:00

My wife and I are looking at houses. So she calls me while I'm at work and asks if I can check on this house that's Sale Pending. Instead of arguing with her about what a waste of time that would be, I say "sure". So she reads me the phone number and I pretend to take it down and I think I'm in the clear. Well, wouldn't you know she follows up with a "Now read the number back to me." Busted! What do I do?

Sadly, I fear that it's much too late to implement any of these, but here are my
Top 5 Responses (in no particular order):
1. "You don't remember it? You just read it to me!"
2. "Which number? The 3? The 8? Which one?"
3. "Joe's hair just caught on fire! I have to go!"
4. "Great idea, but you did an excellent job reading it to me. You were so very articulate. I'm confident they match."
5. "This is a profound moment in our relationship where you need to decide whether you trust me or whether you don't trust me. If you don't trust me, then we have nothing to talk about; We have nothing to pursue; We have nothing to live for. So do you trust me or is this goodbye forever?"

Family Controversy

2006-03-29T12:00:00.000-08:00

I just found out that my sister-in-law wants to name her kid "Cloud". What's happening to the world? I want to tell my brother how ridiculous this is, but I'm afraid it'll create a family controversy. What do I do?

I don't know, but it sounded like you were about to ask me to list
The 5 Coolest Movie (or TV) Names That I Can Think Of Off The Top Of My Head (in no particular order), so here they are:
1. Slowpoke Rodriguez (Speedy Gonzales' lethargic cousin)
2. Nurse Diesel
3. Brewmeister Smith
4. The Dude
5. Jim (Blazing Saddles)

Wassup

2006-03-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

Hey, what's up?

Not much.

Ode To The Pigeon Hunter

2006-03-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

Pigeon hunter, we are brothers
You klll pigeons; I help others
You didn't have a rifle with a scope
You had a pellet gun and a ray of hope
That someday the city would be free of birds
And on that day you'd hear the words
Of Governor Swann spoken from the stage,
"This brave man is my team's MVPH."

The Best Pigeons

2006-03-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about hunting pigeons tomorrow. Usually, I hunt on weekends, but I figure since I'm already downtown for work, and since the best pigeons are downtown, I'll head up to the roof on my lunch break and have some fun. My question to you is, do you think I should bring all my hunting gear, or just stay in my Dockers?

I think you should go all out with the hunting gear. I'm not a hunter myself, but I would think that the city would be very receptive of a man with a rifle shooting from a rooftop. You may even find that many other men with guns join you, forming a club of sorts.

Don't worry about the title

2006-03-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

I went jogging this morning. I thought maybe it would help me get healthy and help me lose some of this fat. Instead, I almost died. I'm serious. I'm dictating this e-mail to my wife because my hands are shaking such that I can't type. Where are my smokes? Don't type that. I thought I left them on the counter. Go ahead and send that. I don't think I'm going to do any more running until he gets back to me. With my luck, he'll publish it in tomorrow's paper and I'll have to get out there and run again. I might've left them in my coat. Are you gonna get that? Hello? Good. How are you? I'll check with Kay and see if that'll work. Hold on. Hey, how does Saturday look? The Fitzpatricks want to go to Red Robin. Yeah, that sounds good. We haven't been there since last year. Great, see you there. Bye. We're meeting them there at 6:00. What are you typing? What the? I told you to send that. No, first delete all this.

It sounds like you might want to stay away from the jogging track and the smokes. It also sounds like you might want to keep your wife away from the computer ... and sharp objects ... and heavy machinery ... and people who like to carry on conversations...

March Madness

2006-03-17T12:00:00.000-08:00

My morning consisted of the following:

7:30 - Got to work
7:31 - Started filling out bracket
8:00 - Asked the guy running the pool for a new bracket sheet
8:01 - Made 5 copies of aforementioned sheet (thinking ahead -- smart)
8:02 - Started filling out brackets
9:00 - Made 10 more copies
9:01 - Filled out all but 3 bracket sheets
10:30 - Read e-mail; worked
10:35 - Filled out several brackets online, including a few women's brackets.
11:30 - Debated about not turning in sheets since I never win.
11:59 - Turned in 13 sheets, costing myself $260

My question is this: Do you think I have a problem, or am I like every other man in America?

Yes & yes.

Do you hear something?

2006-03-15T12:00:00.000-08:00

I won't do this often, but couldn't resist this one:

In The News: The world is mourning the death of Tara Rose McAvoy this morning. She was going to represent Texas at the Miss Deaf America pageant this summer, but was struck by a train yesterday. Which forces me to reveal my
Top 5 Things I Wouldn't Do If I Was Deaf (in no particular order):
1. Walk along railroad tracks
2. Watch American Idol
3. Listen to country music
4. Taunt Chuck Norris
5. Vote for a democrat

Turkey Club

2006-03-13T12:00:00.000-08:00

My feeling's were hurt the other day when I was at lunch with my family (and grandkids). One of the grandkids mentioned that they saw some turkeys in their backyard. My response was, "You saw your brothers and sisters in the backyard?" No laughs. Then I said, "I would've made a turkey sandwich out of one of 'em." Again, no laughs. Then my idiot son-in-law pipes up, "If you could've grouped them all together, you could've made a Turkey Club." Huge laughs. First of all, that's not even funny. There were no pigs around to contribute bacon and ham to the club sandwich, so it made no sense. Second of all, where's the respect? I'm the king of the word-plays. Anytime someone says, "I need gas," I'm always the first to suggest that it smells like they have plenty...

Maybe your timing was off that day. I would study some old Three Stooges episodes, and possibly some Three's Company reruns -- that'll help get you back on your game.

Boys Can't Marry Boys

2006-03-10T12:00:00.000-08:00

My son is starting to ask why boys can't marry boys. What should I tell him? He's not old enough for the birds and the bees yet...

Remember when the principal came into your room and told you that he's your princiPAL? The same thing applies for homosexuality: Boys can't marry boys because in order to "mother" a child, one of them has to be a HER (motHER). Now, if he starts asking about girls marrying girls, you'll want to change the subject -- the fact that both father & mother contain the pronoun "Her" presents a monumental problem... especially if one of them is FAT.

15th Anniversary Experience

2006-03-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

I'm cooking up a no-holds-barred 15th Anniversary gift for my wife, and one of the ideas I'm tossing around is renewing our wedding vows on the USS Enterprise. My question is whether or not this is too "nerd-ish", considering that my wife hates Star Trek (or, "Star Wars", as she calls it). Another option is renewing our vows at the Grand Canyon, which is close to where many of her ancestors are from.

That's not a tough decision. The canyon's nice, but not a day goes by that my wife & I don't openly lament the fact that the Star Trek Experience wasn't around when we got married. I've heard dozens of couples talk about it, and based on their experience, the overwhelming majority recommend the Vulcan Vow Renewal, and if you're going all out, The Continuum Reception is like no other. You'll wish it was the Continuous Reception, according to a colleague of mine. ;-)

Good luck & may the Ferengi be with you. I wish I could see the look on your wife's face when she steps onto the bridge...

Not Talking

2006-03-06T12:00:00.000-08:00

My wife's not talking to me.

You sound like a great guy, but based on the limited amount of information I have to deal with, I have to surmise that one of the following is true:

Your wife is a mute.

You did something stupid.

You said something stupid.

You are perpetually stupid.

Your wife is actually a mannequin that you stole from JCPenney's.

All of these scenarios can be handled the same way: Buy a recording device and, using a falsetto, record some common phrases. The next time you want to have a discussion with your wife and/or mannequin, use the recorder to play her part. Easy stuff...

Smoke Screen

2006-03-03T12:00:00.000-08:00

I need your advice. Many of my friends smoke, and they're encouraging me to smoke. I'm hesitant, since it smells disgusting, and I can't hardly breathe when I'm around people who smoke. Also, I hear it's not that good for you. What do you think?

I think you're letting the facts get in the way of a good time. If most of your friends smoke, why shouldn't you? I hear too many arrogant SOBs talk about how they quit smoking, or they're trying to quit, or they're exercising. I want you to be the first person to proudly proclaim, "I've been smoking for 13 days now!"

Toy truck

2006-03-01T12:00:00.000-08:00

My wife's not talking to me. I think this might be because my kid left a toy truck on the stairs last week and I slipped on it, hurting my hip. Well, that's not the reason, it's just the setup. My possible downfall came when I scolded our son, and in a poignant father-son moment, I told him, "You could've killed daddy!"

Now he wets the bed every night, throws up every day at school, and gives me a 20-minute hug time I walk through the door after work.

So it could be that, or the fact that I left my plate on the table after dinner a few nights ago. Can you help?

I checked with my wife, not because I wanted her opinion, but because I wanted to see the look of horror on her face. You've got to be about the biggest idiot in America. You don't need counseling -- you need a heavy blow to the head. You're going to be dealing with this one for a while. The first thing I would do on your long road of retribution is to clean off the entire table tonight, not just your own place setting.

myTunes

2006-02-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

For Christmas, a friend of mine sent me a gift certificate for 10 songs on iTunes. I finally got around to downloading them (I'm very picky). Here they are, for your edification:

don't wanna know about evil - beth orton
steppin' out (live version) - joe jackson
almost - sarah harmer
bohemian like you - the dandy warhols
ride like the wind - christopher cross
youth of the nation - pod
nite becomes day - citizen cope
the message - visual cliff
seven nation army - the white stripes
the search - dolorean

You might notice a couple of things. First, I have discriminating taste. I listen to a lot of indie radio, which I prefer over Top 40. I don't have anything bad to say about Top 40 -- I just prefer not to hear the same song 5 times in one day.

Second, I have a thing for melodic music. This doesn't compute to some of my progressive jazz fusion band-mates, but c'mon (or C'MON!!!, as G.O.B. would say), ... "Ride Like The Wind" is one of the best songs of all time. Agree?

So my main question is, "What do I tell my band-mates?" Should I come out of the closet?

Thanks for your gratuitous monopolization of my time. That list neither edifies me nor verifies that you have discriminating, or even good, taste. While I do agree that "Ride Like The Wind" is in the top tier of radio classics, I don't care enough about progressive jazz fusion to either provide advice or investigate what it is. And stay in the closet, for heaven's sake.

Unlucky 13

2006-02-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

Today's my 13th anniversary. Every day I write my wife a little note on the computer so that when she wakes up & goes to check her e-mail (and throughout the day), she's greeted by my thoughtful note (This is actually based on your recommendation from last year). Sometimes it's romantic, sometimes it's funny, and sometimes it's lame. Today's fell into the middle category. Some people might say that an anniversary deserves a romantic note, but I'm of the opinion that all that sappy stuff is reserved for the product-5 anniversaries (5, 10, 15, 20, ...). Here's this morning's note:

Somewhere between the time of my life
and the most fun a person can have without a knife
lies the last 13 years of our undying love
like a smoldering mouse henceforth trapped in our stove.
And now, for the director's commentary: The first thing I thought my wife would find funny was the "time of my life" bit -- it has been "A time in my life", but hardly qualifies as "The time of my life". I figured she would agree and maybe let out a giggle since I'm not much of a catch either. The knife bit is obvious, underscoring the fact that I sometimes wish I was dead. 13 years, blah blah blah ... and then we come to the mouse reference -- pure genius, since it relates a laborious passing of time to our "pet" mouse that lives under our oven. Maybe not pure genius, since our nocturnal friend is always up and about when I'm writing my messages, so it stands to reason that I would pay him homage. The "henceforth" is an attempt to make me sound like a real poet, that's all.

So anyway, I was (and still am) pretty proud of my pseudo-limerick. In addition to saving me money on a card, it should've brought a day-long smile to my wife's face. Instead, she threw my flowers in the trash & told me to make my own dinner. On the plus side, she did make up the couch for me to sleep on. Well, I at least salvaged the flowers and gave them to my secretary, but I'm not sure where I went wrong?!?

You suffer from a malady common to many males called PJD -- Poor Judgment Disorder. Not only is your poem inappropriate for an anniversary, but the fact that you recycled your wife's flowers for your secretary is disturbing. Try to concentrate less on showing off your brilliance and more on doing things that your wife will find meaningful.