Are You Cranky?

I'll tell you what: When people (usually co-workers) say, "Smile," to me, it makes me want to not smile. And yet, I do, because it's the polite thing to do. In a less political world, I would respond with, "Lose weight," or something equally witty. I suppose I should smile more, but then I would need something to smile about -- like a joke, or free donuts, or noticing the misfortune of someone who has just told me to smile for no reason but to point out the fact that I appear surly.

When people say, "Look on the bright side," it makes me want to shoot them with a gun. Not a real gun -- a nerf gun that causes them to jerk their body back just enough to make them spill their coffee on themselves or some such.

When people ask if I'm cranky, they have just enacted what's known as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I wasn't cranky before, I'm now livid because instead of taking my opinion seriously, they're belittling my dissenting view with a pretty transparent ad hominem attack. Boo.

When people tell me I look tired, it makes me want to punch them ... but it's always way too much effort (because I am tired).

Occasionally, someone will say something along the lines of, "If you had given me this two days ago, I could've signed you up at the discounted rate. Unfortunately, ..." That makes me so upset that I'm having trouble writing this as I think about the moron who is suggesting that I either find a time machine or start crying in order to show them just how sorry I am for being dumber than the rest of the world. I'm in a part of the world where time machines are hard to come by, so my only recourse is to compliment the person on their crushing blow to my soul.

Thank you for your letter. I wish I was in a better position to answer it, as I love to devote as much time to analyzing letters as my audience does in writing (and living) them. However, I am heading off to a fantasy football draft, and finding it very hard to concentrate on anything other than how I'm going to snag Tom Brady in the third round. If only I had received your letter a few days earlier, I could have given you some excellent advice relative to your problem. But rest assured, your issues are very important to me. Be well.

posted by Lawrence A. Fing @ 12:00 PM