Busted!
My wife and I are looking at houses. So she calls me while I'm at work and asks if I can check on this house that's Sale Pending. Instead of arguing with her about what a waste of time that would be, I say "sure". So she reads me the phone number and I pretend to take it down and I think I'm in the clear. Well, wouldn't you know she follows up with a "Now read the number back to me." Busted! What do I do?
Sadly, I fear that it's much too late to implement any of these, but here are my
Top 5 Responses (in no particular order):
1. "You don't remember it? You just read it to me!"
2. "Which number? The 3? The 8? Which one?"
3. "Joe's hair just caught on fire! I have to go!"
4. "Great idea, but you did an excellent job reading it to me. You were so very articulate. I'm confident they match."
5. "This is a profound moment in our relationship where you need to decide whether you trust me or whether you don't trust me. If you don't trust me, then we have nothing to talk about; We have nothing to pursue; We have nothing to live for. So do you trust me or is this goodbye forever?"
Family Controversy
I just found out that my sister-in-law wants to name her kid "Cloud". What's happening to the world? I want to tell my brother how ridiculous this is, but I'm afraid it'll create a family controversy. What do I do?
I don't know, but it sounded like you were about to ask me to list
The 5 Coolest Movie (or TV) Names That I Can Think Of Off The Top Of My Head (in no particular order), so here they are:
1. Slowpoke Rodriguez (Speedy Gonzales' lethargic cousin)
2. Nurse Diesel
3. Brewmeister Smith
4. The Dude
5. Jim (Blazing Saddles)
Wassup
Hey, what's up?
Not much.
Ode To The Pigeon Hunter
Pigeon hunter, we are brothers
You klll pigeons; I help others
You didn't have a rifle with a scope
You had a pellet gun and a ray of hope
That someday the city would be free of birds
And on that day you'd hear the words
Of Governor Swann spoken from the stage,
"This brave man is my team's MVPH."
The Best Pigeons
I'm thinking about hunting pigeons tomorrow. Usually, I hunt on weekends, but I figure since I'm already downtown for work, and since the best pigeons are downtown, I'll head up to the roof on my lunch break and have some fun. My question to you is, do you think I should bring all my hunting gear, or just stay in my Dockers?
I think you should go all out with the hunting gear. I'm not a hunter myself, but I would think that the city would be very receptive of a man with a rifle shooting from a rooftop. You may even find that many other men with guns join you, forming a club of sorts.
Don't worry about the title
I went jogging this morning. I thought maybe it would help me get healthy and help me lose some of this fat. Instead, I almost died. I'm serious. I'm dictating this e-mail to my wife because my hands are shaking such that I can't type. Where are my smokes? Don't type that. I thought I left them on the counter. Go ahead and send that. I don't think I'm going to do any more running until he gets back to me. With my luck, he'll publish it in tomorrow's paper and I'll have to get out there and run again. I might've left them in my coat. Are you gonna get that? Hello? Good. How are you? I'll check with Kay and see if that'll work. Hold on. Hey, how does Saturday look? The Fitzpatricks want to go to Red Robin. Yeah, that sounds good. We haven't been there since last year. Great, see you there. Bye. We're meeting them there at 6:00. What are you typing? What the? I told you to send that. No, first delete all this.
It sounds like you might want to stay away from the jogging track and the smokes. It also sounds like you might want to keep your wife away from the computer ... and sharp objects ... and heavy machinery ... and people who like to carry on conversations...
March Madness
My morning consisted of the following:
7:30 - Got to work
7:31 - Started filling out bracket
8:00 - Asked the guy running the pool for a new bracket sheet
8:01 - Made 5 copies of aforementioned sheet (thinking ahead -- smart)
8:02 - Started filling out brackets
9:00 - Made 10 more copies
9:01 - Filled out all but 3 bracket sheets
10:30 - Read e-mail; worked
10:35 - Filled out several brackets online, including a few women's brackets.
11:30 - Debated about not turning in sheets since I never win.
11:59 - Turned in 13 sheets, costing myself $260
My question is this: Do you think I have a problem, or am I like every other man in America?
Yes & yes.
Do you hear something?
I won't do this often, but couldn't resist this one:
In The News: The world is mourning the death of Tara Rose McAvoy this morning. She was going to represent Texas at the Miss Deaf America pageant this summer, but was struck by a train yesterday. Which forces me to reveal my
Top 5 Things I Wouldn't Do If I Was Deaf (in no particular order):
1. Walk along railroad tracks
2. Watch American Idol
3. Listen to country music
4. Taunt Chuck Norris
5. Vote for a democrat
Turkey Club
My feeling's were hurt the other day when I was at lunch with my family (and grandkids). One of the grandkids mentioned that they saw some turkeys in their backyard. My response was, "You saw your brothers and sisters in the backyard?" No laughs. Then I said, "I would've made a turkey sandwich out of one of 'em." Again, no laughs. Then my idiot son-in-law pipes up, "If you could've grouped them all together, you could've made a Turkey Club." Huge laughs. First of all, that's not even funny. There were no pigs around to contribute bacon and ham to the club sandwich, so it made no sense. Second of all, where's the respect? I'm the king of the word-plays. Anytime someone says, "I need gas," I'm always the first to suggest that it smells like they have plenty...
Maybe your timing was off that day. I would study some old Three Stooges episodes, and possibly some Three's Company reruns -- that'll help get you back on your game.
Boys Can't Marry Boys
My son is starting to ask why boys can't marry boys. What should I tell him? He's not old enough for the birds and the bees yet...
Remember when the principal came into your room and told you that he's your princiPAL? The same thing applies for homosexuality: Boys can't marry boys because in order to "mother" a child, one of them has to be a HER (motHER). Now, if he starts asking about girls marrying girls, you'll want to change the subject -- the fact that both father & mother contain the pronoun "Her" presents a monumental problem... especially if one of them is FAT.
15th Anniversary Experience
I'm cooking up a no-holds-barred 15th Anniversary gift for my wife, and one of the ideas I'm tossing around is renewing our wedding vows on the USS Enterprise. My question is whether or not this is too "nerd-ish", considering that my wife hates Star Trek (or, "Star Wars", as she calls it). Another option is renewing our vows at the Grand Canyon, which is close to where many of her ancestors are from.
That's not a tough decision. The canyon's nice, but not a day goes by that my wife & I don't openly lament the fact that the Star Trek Experience wasn't around when we got married. I've heard dozens of couples talk about it, and based on their experience, the overwhelming majority recommend the Vulcan Vow Renewal, and if you're going all out, The Continuum Reception is like no other. You'll wish it was the Continuous Reception, according to a colleague of mine. ;-)
Good luck & may the Ferengi be with you. I wish I could see the look on your wife's face when she steps onto the bridge...
Not Talking
My wife's not talking to me.
You sound like a great guy, but based on the limited amount of information I have to deal with, I have to surmise that one of the following is true:
Your wife is a mute.
You did something stupid.
You said something stupid.
You are perpetually stupid.
Your wife is actually a mannequin that you stole from JCPenney's.
All of these scenarios can be handled the same way: Buy a recording device and, using a falsetto, record some common phrases. The next time you want to have a discussion with your wife and/or mannequin, use the recorder to play her part. Easy stuff...
Smoke Screen
I need your advice. Many of my friends smoke, and they're encouraging me to smoke. I'm hesitant, since it smells disgusting, and I can't hardly breathe when I'm around people who smoke. Also, I hear it's not that good for you. What do you think?
I think you're letting the facts get in the way of a good time. If most of your friends smoke, why shouldn't you? I hear too many arrogant SOBs talk about how they quit smoking, or they're trying to quit, or they're exercising. I want you to be the first person to proudly proclaim, "I've been smoking for 13 days now!"
Toy truck
My wife's not talking to me. I think this might be because my kid left a toy truck on the stairs last week and I slipped on it, hurting my hip. Well, that's not the reason, it's just the setup. My possible downfall came when I scolded our son, and in a poignant father-son moment, I told him, "You could've killed daddy!"
Now he wets the bed every night, throws up every day at school, and gives me a 20-minute hug time I walk through the door after work.
So it could be that, or the fact that I left my plate on the table after dinner a few nights ago. Can you help?
I checked with my wife, not because I wanted her opinion, but because I wanted to see the look of horror on her face. You've got to be about the biggest idiot in America. You don't need counseling -- you need a heavy blow to the head. You're going to be dealing with this one for a while. The first thing I would do on your long road of retribution is to clean off the entire table tonight, not just your own place setting.
